All weird novelty earrings do is give people an excuse to point and laugh. They advertise your worst qualities and sometimes accentuate them. Anyone who wears them is insecure and needs professional help. Earrings won’t get you the job, the recording contract, or make someone notice you. They just make you more socially awkward and isolated. Everyone is already judging you and doesn’t need an added reason. If you feel like you need to wear any one of these earring sets, please wear them at home so the world doesn’t see your ill-advised style.
1. Light Up Bulb Earrings
Anyone else have a Debby Boone song stuck in their head? Nope, just me. These earrings aren’t going to light up your life or anything else, but that close to your brain, they might give you a bright idea. Perhaps it should have started with not buying or wearing these earrings. Since you are determined to wear them, add a lampshade hat to complete the look. Added points if you have a tasseled skirt in your closet. Whatever you do, don’t go halfway. It’s better to look like a lamp than a weirdo who runs around with weird novelty earrings.
2. Halloween Spider Earrings
Want to relive the 90s goth days? You’re in luck. First, dig out your baby doll dress and Doc Martins, add some matte black lipstick to match your nails, play some Marilyn Manson and pretend you are more depressed than a Coldplay song. If you’re not into a goth revival, wear them on a first date, just in case. That way, if the guy is less attractive than an accountant, he’ll be too intimated to try to run a nonexistent game.
3. Stay Weird Stud Earrings
Wearing these earrings is overkill. These earrings are for 40-year-olds who shop at Hot Topic and hang out at the mall for fun. They look like something Claire’s would have on their Clearance Rack. You were probably a math geek in High School who never outgrew Cucumber Melon Body Wash. Next time Google search overkill, maybe you’ll find something more appropriate and less noticeable.
4. Fashion Vintage Silver Earring
Zip your lip if you are going to tell me these look hip. If you’re taking these out of your jewelry box, make sure to go whole Courtney Love. Don those ripped fishnet stocking, add a skirt so short your tush hangs out, and above all, walk like you’re caught somewhere between hangover and intoxication. Everyone is already questioning if you have a substance abuse problem anyway.
5. Happy Little Palette Dangle Earrings
Bob Ross is not envious right now; he’s rolling over in his grave at this less than happy mistake. He doesn’t believe in weird novelty earrings. Are you trying to be inspired while watching a four-day Joy of Painting Marathon while eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s because you got dumped last Thursday? Get over it and find another mistake that isn’t these earrings. Don’t worry if you choose to wear these. It’s just a happy little mistake. Unfortunately, the people who see you wearing these can’t cover you with a happy little tree.
6. Avocado Earrings Food Jewelry
We get it. You live in San Francisco, exclusively read Beat Authors, and dream about retracing Neil Cassidy’s journey. You also shop at Farmers Markets when you’re not complaining to a Whole Foods cashier. They’ve run out of your locally sourced, half almond, half coconut, all crazy beverage that goes with the four ingredient cereal made out of quinoa and sprinkled with a touch of wheat germ and sadness, haven’t they? Go home, kick off your hemp sandals and by all means, take off those weird novelty earrings.
7. Glow Reactive Alien Dangle Earrings
“I swear I was abducted and probed.” Nope, you got drunk with Billy Bob and decided these earrings would save you from all the shenanigans you pulled on Saturday night. People will still remember the walk of shame. Worse, you are still doing one wearing these earrings. The best look for these earrings would be one shoe and hair that is shedding Aquanet. Just remember you aren’t going to a castle; you’re going back to a trailer park.
8. Rockstar Dangle Earrings Painted Earring
So you are in a D-List bar band and swear you’ll be signed any day. Or perhaps you think Bowie’s face will help you acquire talent by osmosis. I bet you’re wearing something ironic right now, aren’t you? You get added points if your shirt smells like a stale bar and cigarettes and you woke up still wearing it from the night before. Take a huge sip of the hair of the dog; maybe it will help you think twice before walking out the door wearing those weird novelty earrings.
9. Beer Mug Dangle Drop Earrings
Nothing says I’m here to get wasted like cubic zirconia. These earrings are perfect for a cougar trying to infiltrate a frat party. They’d pair well with a mini skirt and knee-high boots that, for some reason, you still have in your closet. These are frat guys, so they are probably too drunk to care how bad you look, so you might have a chance to capture a cub. I just feel bad if they already see double; they’ll have to see how ridiculous you look twice. Here’s a piece of advice, make sure to card him before things go too far. A mugshot will look worse if you’re wearing these weird novelty earrings.
10. Tiny Lightning Bolt Stud Earrings
Were you struck by lightning when you thought wearing these was a good idea? If you haven’t been, you might want to hang out in a rainstorm with an umbrella so you can justify your taste in weird novelty earrings. You probably wrote a paper about Benjamin Franklin in a college English course and are still jazzed about a degree that will get you a job at Starbucks.
11. Glasses Earrings Unique Friend Statement
Disco may be dead, but the 80s are not if you wear these earrings. Since you’re determined to wear these, let me help you own these terrible earrings. If you wear these, you have these items in your jewelry box and your closet. You may even be wearing them right now. Anyway, find a scrunchie, one of those plastic charm necklaces, and slouch socks. Be sure to add white reebok sneakers, leg warmers, and tons of neon. Undoubtedly, you’re waiting for Doc Brown to take you back to the future. I want a future that doesn’t involve those weird novelty earrings.
12. Stainless Middle Finger Stud Men’s & Women’s Earrings
Wear these earrings during your morning commute. It’s a fantastic way to be passive-aggressive to the person who just cut you off. If you forget to take these off when you go to work, you may inadvertently tell your boss to take this job and shove it. The other option might be worse. You are a 20 something wannabe gangster who is accessorizing these with jeans that went out of style in 2001 and a gold chain with fake diamonds and the word “playa.” When will you realize Vanilla Ice is more excellent than you are right now. Curiosity, do you sing Limp Bizkit in your mom’s minivan?
13. Ramen Soup Stud Earrings
If you’re so poor, you have to buy Top Ramen but spend the money on these earrings you have probably been evicted from your apartment. You’re sleeping in a Geo right now, aren’t you? If you are an adult and purchased these earrings, it means you are single and don’t bother to cook. A copy of The Rules won’t save you if you’re caught in public wearing these weird novelty earrings. Go home or to your car and reconsider your life choices. While you’re at it, throw those earrings into another pot of water until they melt into something that won’t people gag from thinking about their broke college days.
14. Unicorn Earrings Sterling Silver Rainbow
If you are over the age of 8, take these off right now. You are not capturing your youth. Instead, you are making Walmart customers consider calling a state mental institution. You’re probably sitting in a dreadful pink apartment wondering why Playdough smells so good and why no one appreciates a sixty-four box of Crayola Crayons anymore. Next time wear these earrings at home while you’re coloring in your My Little Pony book and listening to New Kids on The Block.
15. UFO Aliens Acrylic Earrings
“I swear the aliens gave them to me as a souvenir.” No one will believe it even if you do. Wear these with a tinfoil hat and a shirt that says “I Believe.” That’s ok everyone else is believing that you’ve lost your mind wearing these weird novelty earrings. I bet you have a jar of spare change you’ve been saving for years to try to check out Area 51. I’ll chip in a few cents if you give up on these earrings. Aliens will not take you to the mother ship wearing something this ridiculous. You’ll just look worse than anyone else who swears they have been in a UFO.
16. Ice Cream Earrings
Either you are wearing these because you are a masochist on a diet, or you want to give your ears the calories you can’t have. You should stick to licking windows and not fantasize about Ice Cream so much you feel the need to wear these. You probably wear them to Weight Watchers’ meetings and point to them, telling everyone how good you’re doing keeping to your diet. You’re not motivational; stop being a Karen.
17. Electric Outlet Earrings
Thank goodness these are too small to stick in your finger. Perhaps you did that as a child and decided to commemorate the memory by wearing these weird novelty earrings. If it wasn’t the light socket that got to you, it was probably the paint chips. If you must wear them, try walking around Home Depot; maybe a Nerd who tries to do DIY projects on the weekend will take pity on you and ask you out for coffee. You’ll know you’re a match made in heaven if he’s wearing little tiny knives in his ears.
18. Cute Yellow Rubber Duckie Earrings
“Rubber Ducky, you’re my friend. You make my ears…” I can’t. If you’re wearing these earrings right now, you deserve that earworm. Do you know what Rubber Duckie earrings go with? That was rhetorical; they go with nothing. Just because you have a room filled with rubber ducks that haunt people worse than Annable doesn’t mean people who aren’t crazy enough to visit your house should be subjected to earrings this ridiculous.
19. Yellow Bigfoot Earrings
It doesn’t take an overactive imagination to see how you look. You picked these up at a tourist shop in Forks, Washington. You thought they would look perfect with your Team Edward or Team Jacob T-Shirt. If you are looking for a relationship with the Undead, they will not give you a second glance. Even if you think the bright yellow will help them see you. Vampires may be immortal, but these earrings might be as lethal as garlic, a stake, or sunlight. Sasquatches don’t exist, and neither should these weird novelty earrings.
20. Mini Egg Basket Dangle Earrings
These are the perfect accessory for Easter. All you have to do is add some Mom Jeans and A t-shirt that talks about wine and yoga pants. “Hang on, kids, I need to make my coffee Irish.” Don’t try to hide it; they already know you day drink. If you opted out of the Mom jeans and went with Yoga Pants, you’re ready to take the kids to an Easter Egg Hunt. Just be careful that the bratty kid next door doesn’t rip them out of your ears thinking they’re chocolate. Even if he does, you can go home, slip into your comfy sweats and your Live, Laugh, Love sweatshirt. Give the kids a little Melatonin, and you’re ready to drink wine from a questionable year.