Everyone wants to stand out, and that’s ok, sometimes. Yet it’s better to stand out quietly with a novelty t-shirt. No, not the one that says F.B.I with the words, female body inspector, underneath it. Others should stick to what they know best, being a Karen or doing Instagram videos of their cats. Instead, they choose to draw negative attention by wearing things that cause people to mock them. Once, bikers were a tough crowd. However, too many people are trying to capture that image by buying motorcycles. The problem is that the people who are trying to capture their inner bad boy or girl are the ones who spend their lives in a cubicle and have as much cool as a popsicle half melted.
Nonetheless, they will still search novelty helmets for motorcycles and believe people will think they are serious motorcycle enthusiasts. Sadly, these people go to motorcycle rallies not on their bikes but in Mini Vans and Escalades. The rest of the world can see a midlife crisis from a mile away, especially since most of these helmets have so much color and bad design work that they wouldn’t be featured on an Adult Swim Cartoon.
1. Novelty Motorcycle Cruiser Spike
If you’re wearing this helmet, you don’t need added brain protection with the spikes because your brain is already gone, a helmet a goth person with a midlife crisis. I bet you’re on one of those crotch rockets you think makes you look cool, but it’s not when you are overweight and have your mother on the back of the bike. It would be best if you didn’t look for this under novelty helmets for motorcycles unless it comes with a few free sessions of psychiatric care.
2. Martian Samurai Motorcycle Helmet
The grin on this helmet is the only smile you’ll see if you’re wearing this helmet. If you decide to purchase this, the only thing you’ll accomplish is looking like Darth Vader’s constipated cousin. The only benefit to wearing this helmet is it leaves the face of the person wearing it to the imagination. Too bad you’re probably wearing an ironic t-shirt that went out of style in 1985 and have a mullet that is so tragic it’s peaking out underneath the helmet. Here’s an idea, go Google helmets for adults, and please remember there is no business in the front and the only party you’ll go to is the one you throw where no one shows up.
3. Novelty Skull Cap Helmet
You know those bike cops who are depressed their whole lives because the police force took pity and let them patrol deserted beaches? That’s you because the local motorcycle gang wouldn’t let you in, which is sad because they were all rejected as well. You may think the spikes on the helmet look like the mohawk you’re mommy wouldn’t let you get fifty years ago, but it looks like a ridiculous clown who belongs in a b-list horror movie.Novelty helmets for motorcyclesmay be available for purchase, but you should save the helmet for your house where no one can see you.
4. Baseball Cap Style Helmet
The crazy biker on this helmet is unnecessary. Yet, you are more of a mental biker if you wear this helmet. The logo looks like something you would airbrush on the side of a van that looks sketchy. I guess that’s the point because you look creepy right now. You probably have a Burt Reynolds Mustache, and if you take off the helmet, you have a smashed Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I bet you look like Fonzie if he lived in a low-rent trailer park.
5. Jet Pilot Motor-Bike Helmet
This helmet appears to result from a fashion designer combining an early football helmet with a bike helmet for one of those arty subtitled flicks. Hipsters wouldn’t find these helmets ironic. The best way to wear it is with a beret tucked underneath. The problem is that you don’t look European, just Euro-trash. Unfortunately, you’re probably wearing on a Harley Davidson with a lousy paint job. The whole look is wrong, and people probably are pointing and staring at you as they should.
6. Chopper Bicycle Helmet
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This helmet looks like a knock-off Prada purse that came back from the future and where it would still be unfashionable. If you are wearing this helmet, it’s because your grandmother bought it for you as a Christmas present. Trust me; it should be at the top of the closest with last year’s knitted sweater. No, wait, wear that while you’re riding around town, cruising in the slow lane with Buicks tailgating you. After all, if you’re going to push one of these novelty motorcycle helmets, you should go all out to look ridiculous.
7. Wink Emoji Motorcycle Helmet
That helmet looks very fetching on your head, wink wink. That’s called ironic, which is not wearing Big Bird’s pelt on your head. Even the tongue on this helmet is judging you. Everyone else has their jaw on the ground because you’re wearing discount Jo Ann’s fabric on your head. Do you know how to ruin a perfect motorcycle ride? If you don’t let me give you a quick clue, you’re wearing it on your head.
8. Wolf style Bike Helmet
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Wolf packs everywhere are currently shaming you if they haven’t run for their den’s in the woods already. If they have, it’s ok; everyone else is because you purchased one of these novelty helmets for motorcycles. It only takes a minute to judge you fully. You binge-watched every episode of Star Trek last week; you’re thirty years old and still live in your mother’s basement, lamenting the fact that you haven’t worked since Blockbuster closed down. Worse, the local movie theater won’t hire you because of the embarrassing incident when you wore this helmet into the theater and refused to take it off.
9. Fury Monster Motorcycle Helmet
Come and play,/Everything’s A-OK/Friendly neighbors there
That’s where we meet/Can you tell me how to get/How to get to Sesame Street
Thank you for getting this song stuck in my head as I shudder to realize you purchased one of those novelty helmets for motorcycles. So, let’s break this song down slowly. Nobody wants you to come out and do anything with them because wearing that helmet is not a-ok. There aren’t any friendly neighbors to see because they ran into their house to avoid you. Oh, and no one on Sesame Street thinks you look cool there either.
10. Martian Ranger Motorcycle Helmet
Why do people buy novelty helmets for motorcycles with demonic grins? I think I have the answer. You were possessed when you bought the helmet. Otherwise, you have no excuse for buying one of these novelty helmets for motorcycles. This helmet looks like you brought it back from the seventh gate of purgatory; it even has a Chinese character on the side. I worry about those since most of Western Society doesn’t know what they mean. I’m guessing this one means stupid American bought this helmet.
11. Flower Scooter Helmet
This helmet is for women who drink pumpkin spice lattes and are Karens during the week. It screams I don’t belong. You were looking for a bit of danger in your life by buying a Vespa to cruise through the park, weren’t you? Worse, you couldn’t pick a cool floral design. This one looks like a pattern you’d see on your grandmother’s couch covered in plastic.
12. Open Face Helmet Skull Cap
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Skull helmets like this are for accountants who want to cover up the computer tans they acquired during their 9 to 5 work week. They didn’t want to join their fellow nerds at sci-fi conventions. Instead, they purchased an overpriced crotch rocket and this helmet. When these computer programmers aren’t in front of their computers, they listen to Nickelback and dream about being cool.
13. Matte Black Helmet
When you purchase one of these novelty helmets for motorcycles, you are too scared to buy something even stranger because you have had an identity crisis since high school. I’m not saying the world doesn’t thank you for not wearing spikes or fuzz on your head. Still, this helmet is doing nothing for you. We already know you are pasty-faced and haven’t had a date since Smash Mouth was famous.
14. Spike Half-Open Face Motorcycle Helmet
Remember Back to The Future? Silly question, you’ve watched the trilogy five times last week. This helmet didn’t work for Biff Tannin, and it certainly doesn’t work for you. I doubt you’re even wearing it on a motorcycle, probably a powder blue Huffy. During the rest of the week, you ask your neighbors to get off the grass even though you are only twenty-five.
15. Cat Ears Motorcycle Helmet
Have you figured out how to get one of your twenty cats, or maybe all of them, to ride with you yet. Everyone is guessing you are a crazy cat lady if you’re wearing this. You probably have a bad boy complex even though you watch Hallmark movies. Would you please tell me you don’t frequent biker bars with one of these novelty helmets for motorcycles. You do, don’t you?
16. Light Street Retro Open Face Helmet
If you’re wearing this helmet, you have an ancient bike tricked out with everything true motorcycle riders think are tacky. You also are Offspring Pretty Fly For A White Guy and drive your mom’s minivan since you spent all your money fixing up this bike, and it breaks down every week, and you still need to get to your job at hot topic. You’ve probably been in the same position since high school and can’t handle the responsibility of management.
17. Fashion Retro Scoop Helmet
Everything about this helmet says I broke up with my boyfriend of two years and am having a post-breakup crisis. He was probably one of those basic white guys you’re mom liked, so you started dating him since you were tired of being asked when you would settle down. Your ego was crushed when he broke up with you because he hated your family. Now, you’re determined t attract a bad boy even though you work at Nordstrom.
18. 1976 Retro Motorcycle Half Helmet
Instead of a leather jacket, you wear a Member’s Only Jacket on rides. When you make stops at scenic spots, you post fifteen pictures of you in the same pose. You don’t want everyone to know you only take the bike out once a year, so you found a helmet that looks like you ride all the time and have taken a few nasty spills. Chances are, you were drunk shopping on Amazon one night and searched novelty helmets for motorcycles.
19. Roster Retro Half Helmet
Here’s a tip, if you choose a helmet with women on it, it’s apparent to everyone you’re single. When you wear this helmet, that’s not going to change. Your last girlfriend broke up with you because you spent more time staring at this helmet than at her. Or was it that you played World of Warcraft and missed your first anniversary because a new campaign was being released? The gaudy print and bizarre spikes look like an 80s cartoon on an acid trip. The only person this helmet may look appropriate on is Cousin Eddy in National Lampoon’s Vacation, but I doubt even he would want to wear something so ridiculous.
20. Dino Motorcycle Half Helmets
This helmet is anime gone wrong. Tragically you purchased it to show a tattoo artist what you wanted as a backpiece. Wearing this helmet says a lot of things about you, none good. I’ll highlight several. You post reviews about obscure movies in even more obscure chat forums. You are constantly telling your friends to play one of your favorite video games even though they told you long ago they don’t have time. Sadly, you don’t own a motorcycle; you’re only trying to make your bicycle look cooler on your way to work at Applebees.