A person’s choice in knick-knacks and personal touches says a lot about their personality. When they choose to buy kitschy novelty items, it sounds even more and not the best way. Many people purchase silly t-shirts while on vacation with phrases like “I ate the worm” or “paddle faster I hear banjos.” Other’s bring home shot glassed. There’s another group of people who don’t wait for or can’t afford a vacation, so they find items online that look worse than what they’d purchase while overindulging on mixed drinks. Some of the worst are those who seek out novelty ashtrays and put use them as table art. Even though they may seem cool online at three o’clock in the morning, the happiness factor will settle down, and hopefully, you realize that they are an eyesore best left on the shelf.
Hilarious & Crazy Ashtrays
1. Funny Monkey Ashtray
If you’ve smoked a long time, you probably want to get that monkey off your back. This ashtray is not the way to do it. You probably found it at a low-rate amusement park with a swamp ride that gave you an unidentified rash because you were drunk and dove in after the fake alligators. You’re also the person who walks around with tube socks, sandals, and cut-off jean shorts. I bet you’re one of those people who collect novelty ashtrays because coffee cups are too refined.
2. Jamaican Chilling Man Ashtray
This ashtray is for 40-year-old people who still work in the same headshop they did in high school? You know why you still work there; you decorate your house with things like this. If the low qualities don’t give away your lack of taste, this ashtray will. Unfortunately, no one will see if no one visits your apartment since there are pizza boxes everywhere that turned into silent experiments. Besides that, you probably sniff your laundry to see if it’s clean and use the words “eh, it ain’t bad.” The last time you went on a date was when Bradley Nowell from Sublime was still alive.
3. Skull Sexy Man Ashtray
Sexy? Seriously? No, obviously not if this is where you put your cigarettes. If you’re not single, then you are married to someone who is one of the people who we all dread seeing at Walmart, too tight spandex, four screaming kids, and a shirt that says I should have swallowed. Don’t worry; he did swallow his pride twice when he married you and bought this. I guess the upside to this ashtray is that you don’t have to give your kids the birds and the bees talk; you can just point to this as a visual.
4. Lips Style Fashion Ashtrays
Obviously, you’ve been to every late-night double-feature of Rocky Horror Picture show since it became ironically hip. You have an art degree but are still waiting tables because you’re waiting for your work to sell after you die, so it’s valued more. No one loves your ironic stick figures and Jackson Pollock wannabes. You have many novelty ashtrays in your studio apartment, but you don’t let anyone use them because they speak to the postmodern culture of death and destruction. Instead, people are forced to throw one of their butts in a leftover craft beer still sitting on your end table.
5. Cast Iron Hand Antique Ashtray
Last spring, you got a white boy wasted at Mardi Gras and came home with a tattoo that said “Big and Easy” and this ashtray. Someone should have severed your hand before you bought this ashtray. I bet they wish they did, since every time you use it, you think it speaks to you because a Voodoo Priestess told you it was cursed. Worse, you tell everyone that story at least ten times when you have parties. The only thing that’s cursed is your fondness for novelty ashtrays.
Cool Design Ashtray
6. Home Galaxy Design Ashtray
If this ashtray is in your home, you go by the name MoonBeam and have a home that reaks Patchouli. You use this ashtray for your sage because when people visit you, they will have to be smudged before walking in the door, complaining their aura is too dark and will spread negative energy around your house. As soon as they’re inside, you’ll talk about their blocked third eye and how if they would only embrace the lightness of being, they would be happy like you. Please don’t encourage them. No one else needs to pick up your affinity for novelty ashtrays.
7. SpongeBob, Mario, Rick and Morty Ashtray
People who own these ashtrays spend a lot of time doing hallucinogenics and watching cartoons. Undoubtedly, you purchased these the same night your friend brought over something Snoop Dogg wrote a song about. Worse still, these ashtrays complement your collection of vintage toys you have never taken out of the box because you swear they will have value someday. The problem is you’ll never sell them because they are just “too excellent.”
8. Beautiful Crystal Ashtray
If you smoke Virginia Slims, tell people not to keep the door open because you don’t want to cool off outside, and have said the words, we can’t have nice things; this ashtray is somewhere in your house. You may think it looks fancy and expensive but what it really looks like is the bright light from the mothership you were beamed to on your last supposed alien encounter. The best thing you can do is to add another layer of Aquanet to your hair to keep that 80s Dolly Parton ‘do fresh. Then go down to the corner store and pick up a bottle of fancy Boones Farm wine.
9. Fancy Cigar Ashtray
Even though this ashtray is described as “fancy,” the only fancy it makes me think of is a character in a Reba McEntire song because it’s plain white trash. You probably have several other novelty ashtrays on end tables in your living room sitting next to gaudy Elvis Presley lamps. We get it; you’re a devoted fan who is sure that every time you see an impersonator, you tell everyone for weeks The King has is alive. One last thing, please stop adding stuff to the Elvis shrine you created below the black velvet portrait of him.
10. Ashtray Double Holders Outdoor
Many people seek out an ashtray that suits their personality. I can guess yours if you’ve purchased one of these novelty ashtrays. You smoke cigars, not the high-end one but Swisher Sweets. You are the one who has terrible music blaring at traffic lights. Another possibility is you this ashtray on your desk as a paper clip holder because you think it makes you look classy. I’ll give you that you’re the most cultivated person who works at the telemarketing call center.
Vintage Novelty Ashtrays
11. Vintage Nautical Ashtrays
I’ll bet you tell people you found this ashtray while diving for buried treasure. You also have a pirate complex and walk around with rum bottles filled with water because you want to live the pirate life. You don’t look low rent, Disney. You look full tilt crazy. If it keeps you from embarrassing your kids by wearing the pirate costume every day and walking around saying shiver me timbers, I guess it wasn’t a terrible purchase. However, there are other things you can do during a mid-life crisis. Maybe buy a sports car? Or you could even ask that much younger woman down the street out. She’ll say no, but at least you tried; just take off the pirate garb before you do it.
12. Barking Dog Metal Ashtray
This ashtray is for those who have gun racks and antlers on the back of their oversized Ram pickup trucks, complete with a bumper sticker saying Redneck On Board. Have you heard of overkill? No, not roadkill. Your house probably smells like stale tallboys, and your old couch is still in your yard because your plastic lawn chairs cracked in the rain.
13. Gothic Smoke Butt Holder
Even though it’s probably not possible to do, this would be the only woman you’d set on fire. There isn’t a word for how tacky owning one of these novelty ashtrays is. However, there you are with it on your side table. Do you also have mostly nude girls on your wall draped over a Harley you can’t afford to buy? Your last date probably ended abruptly when the woman looked over, saw this ashtray, and was out of your house faster than the person who shipped this to you pulled it off their shelf to finally get it out of inventory.
14. Skull Shape Cigar Ashtray
If you have one of these novelty ashtrays, chances are you’re an accountant who moonlights in a heavy metal cover band. No one where people show up and enjoy the music but the ones where people go because the deep discount the drinks and only let the group play because they are friends of friends. The only upside on this ashtray is that no one will see it outside your bandmates because even though you think you’re a rockstar, you go home alone.
15. Metal Pyramid Ashtray
If this ashtray is Egyptian style, then Olive Garden is Italian real Italian Food. If you think Olive Garden is authentic, you probably own this ashtray since neither is like the real thing. If you own one of these novelty ashtrays, you probably have a collection of items you try to pass off as artifacts. People who visit you smile and nod politely and leave quickly, don’t they? It’s ok; you can stare into this mystical monument and think about your life and all the things you should and shouldn’t do. I’ll start you off, return this ashtray.
16. Windproof Ashtray with Lid
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This is a novelty ashtray for essential people. They want to be edgy but can’t rise above vintage rock t-shirts to try to hide your Kenny G fandom. If you chose one of these novelty ashtrays, your Starbucks order is probably longer than your shopping list. You meal plan even though you cook the same thing every night. It’s likely you DVR The Bachelor and watches it multiple times with tissues even though you’re a guy.
17. Floor Standing Ashtray
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In a home with unframed Andy Warhol posters, this ashtray would fit in perfectly. Even though you think you’re cultured and hip, having knock-off pieces does nothing to up your game. You may have only recently taken up smoking and have burned your Ikea couch three or four times. When shopping for pieces for your collection, make a mental note; cheap plastic is never art. Oh well, enjoy thumbing through the poster collection at Spencer’s next weekend.
18. Contemporary Modern High Gloss Ashtray
Your grandfather had something that looked like this, and you loved it, but he gave it to your brother. Since then, instead of looking at antique stores, you went on Amazon and thought, yes, that looks just like it. No, it doesn’t. This ashtray looks about as antique as a week-old cheese sandwich. The faux chrome and shiny overlay on the particleboard make a statement that I’m clueless and don’t know how to decorate my house.
19. Large Ceramic Contemporary Ashtray
This blocky monstrosity is only for Italian women who spend their days peering outside at little kids and learn everything about the neighborhood to blab over Sunday dinner. The only upside to this ashtray is that it’s heavier than a slipper, so if your son brings his non-Italian dinner one more time, you can use it to knee cap him.
20. Outdoor Ashtrays for Patio
Ah, beautiful tabletop ashtray. It’s an ashtray, not a statement piece. Anything that houses cigarette butts by nature should not be described as beautiful and certainly not this weird cone-shaped blob. The biggest downside of this ashtray is that you may think this is a drink if you drink too many Margaritas on the back porch.